You never know when fear will come rushing into your heart. Maybe it hits as you open a bill you weren’t expecting, crushing you with the question of financial provision. Perhaps it’s the moment the doctor calls with those long-awaited test results. Maye it’s a knife that slices your heart with pain when your child…
anxiety
Thou Shalt Not Catastrophize
I was a fearful child. One of my earliest memories is from a night I spent at my grandmother’s house. I was awakened by crashing thunder and streaks of lightning just outside the guest bedroom window. The tornado sirens blared, and I could hear my grandmother’s television on in the living room. I reckoned that…
The Other Side of the Fence
I have a recurring dream that I’m driving through my hometown looking for a coffee shop that doesn’t exist. If you know me personally, you know how apropos this dream is. On the hunt for a mythical coffee shop in a town I love? That sounds about right. In this dream, I make turn after…
The Power of a Hidden Word
A few years ago, my mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Between the day the tumor was discovered and the day it was excised from her head, she had to wait about six weeks. Living in another state, I called often to see how she was doing, to see if the mercury at the…
Contentment is Not Control
I was supposed to be on a plane today. I knew what I was going to wear, what was going in my carryon, how I was going to breeze through the TSA pre-check line, how I’d figure out the car rental process at the California airport. I was looking forward to dinner with a woman…
At the End of the If
I left my house today. It was just for an hour and just for a quick two-minute drive to my husband’s empty office at our empty church building so I could have a quiet conversation with a podcaster via Zoom. But, it was odd to leave, even after just a few days of social distancing….
Of Love, Sacrifice, and Toilet Paper
I didn’t buy toilet paper. I bought six pounds of rice and seven pounds of dried beans. I bought bouillon cubes and a couple extra sacks of flour. I stood at the grocery store and surveyed what was in the carts of other shoppers as I contemplated how far I could make ten cans of…
Our Eyes Are On You
I don’t know where the book came from. I didn’t buy it, don’t remember either of my kids opening it at Christmas or birthdays. Probably, it sneaked in with a pile of hand-me-down books from a neighbor or friend. I rarely say no to books anyway. However it got here, the book about pet monsters was perched…
When I Am Afraid, I Will Trust in the Carbon Monoxide Detector
It started with an innocent comment at a family gathering in our home about whether or not we smelled a natural gas leak, and it ended with me perched on a stool at 1:30 in the morning trying to pry the carbon monoxide detector down from the wall to be sure it was working. I…
To the Friend Who is Hurting
Last night I laid awake most of the night. I told you that. I drifted from one troubled dream to the next, and every moment of lucidity was spent praying for you. I know you well enough to know you were awake, too. Today was a hard day for you. And because you are so…