It was a hot July day like today when it happened. “I’m really sorry, but it is unlikely that you will ever have children.” The doctor’s words cracked the stillness of the exam room. I couldn’t put meaning behind what she was saying to me as she wrote a specialist’s name on her prescription pad….
infertility
Make Me a Tree
The tulip trees in my backyard need to be trimmed. There’s a branch growing against our detached carport, and it’s pushing the shingles off the roof. I have measured my life in the blooms on those trees—nineteen years in this house and nineteen turns of the calendar. Nineteen springs, summers, falls, and winters charting the…
Kansas Via Ethiopia and Stories I Didn’t Write
Sometimes God cancels your good plans to accomplish His best plan. I had that thought while decorating our Christmas tree this weekend. From a box of tissue wrapped ornaments, I pulled a delicate wooden ornament painted red and green and yellow. “Melkam Gena” it said, which is Amharic for Merry Christmas. I held the ornament for…
When God Takes His Time
I started praying for healing about fourteen years ago. I started praying for a baby twenty years ago. Of all the things I have prayed for in this life, those two things have topped my prayer list the longest. With an autoimmune disease that has only fairly recently been tamed, I’ve spent many agonizing nights…
Sorrow, Joy, and Forty Years
A warm June rain soaks the world outside my window. We’ve had a few of those wild, humid summer storms that send us to the basement listening for the tornado sirens. But not today. Today, it’s just a good, gentle soaking. While I sit at my dining room table tapping away on my laptop, everything…
You Can Break Now
I came to motherhood the hard way: with years of waiting and hundreds of negative pregnancy tests and enough tears to fill an ocean nearly as large as the hole in my heart. Sixteen years ago, we were going through our first round of testing for infertility, and I sat in church while the pastor…
Very Good Gifts
We pushed back and forth on the patio swing. He fights the lilt because it gives him a little bit of motion sickness, but after all these years together he knows that I will always force the swing to move if I’m sitting on it. Otherwise, it’s just a chair. Our boys run around the backyard…
Loving 1 in 8
(This is National Infertility Awareness Week. Statistics show that 1 in 8 couples are affected by infertility. After fifteen years of ongoing infertility, I want to share one story of how I was loved as 1 in 8.) I met Ranelle when I was twenty-one years old. I was newly engaged to my now-husband and…
Home When You Cannot Find It
I was twenty-four when we packed up the U-haul truck on a blistering hot day in July. Sweat trickled down my back as we hefted the last of the cardboard boxes into the truck. We locked the front door of the white, 1920’s bungalow we’d bought two years prior. The for-sale sign still stood in…
God Loves You in Your Longing
The scene is burned into my memory. It’s been fifteen years, but I remember the day I began to doubt God’s love for me. It was a Sunday. It was that window of fellowship after church just before people start heading home for lunch and naps. I stood in a circle of women, listening to…