A week ago, the phone rang before dawn. There’s never a good reason for calls so early, and my heart immediately began pounding when I answered the phone. A dear church member was on the other end, her voice thick with tears and panic. Her husband had died unexpectedly in the early morning hours. It…
loss
What Do You Say to the Suffering?
“It was suicide,” she said. Her eyes swam with tears that leaked down her cheeks while she explained what had happened earlier this year. I whispered, “I’m so, so sorry,” and wrung my hands uselessly the way you do when there is nothing that will make a situation any better and you know it. The…
The Goodness of God in a Closed Womb
Her words were a sledge hammer to my future. “It is unlikely that you will ever conceive.” The doctor patted me on the shoulder awkwardly. Just like that, the future I had assumed and imagined ended in an explosion of grief. Raining down on me for the next decade were shards of dreams, double-edged fissures…
No Stoic Tears
It was an aneurysm that sent my strong, active grandfather to death’s door. In a matter of hours after the angry vessel in his brain burst, he died with his family around him. Minutes before he left us, I sang“It is Well” into the antiseptic hospital air, bolstering—I hoped—my grandfather’s willingness to step into real life….
Mere Mortals
As you are reading this post, I’m sleeping deeply under general anesthesia. For the third time in eight years, I’m having surgery in an attempt to undo the mess that my body has made in attacking itself over and over. The first time, I was twenty-seven and a new mom. Still bonding and getting to…
I am not strong: a year of writing publicly
I think I scared him. I called downstairs for a bottle of Aleve and some water. But I don’t think my husband expected to find me lying down in the hallway upstairs. I feel silly when it makes me cry. I’m a grown woman, for crying out loud. I grit my teeth with every intention…
How to be thankful when you’ve had a hard year.
I cannot picture eating turkey on the fourth Thursday in November anywhere other than my grandparents’ rural Tennessee home. Perched on a hill and surrounded by trees, their home is large and sunny with an embankment on the back side that slopes downward toward a small pond where I spent every summer of my life…
A Mighty Strong Thread
I see you sitting on the edge of your seat, shoulders slumped and a furrowed brow. Defeated doesn’t begin to describe the gravitational pull on your heart. Despair sinks down deep, opening up and pulsing through your veins and arteries, permeating every cell with a heavy ache. It’s a long-winded ache, one that’s been flowing…
weekend links + one obscure movie reference
Fall is teasing us with an early arrival here in Missouri, and I plan to enjoy it with my family this weekend. It is an unexpected gift to stand outside in a breeze unmarred by humidity. Healthwise it has not been a stellar week for me, so I’m working a bit more to focus on…
{I’m trying to look up}
“For every look at self, take ten looks to Christ.” ~Robert Murray M’Cheyne “So I gaze on You in the sanctuary to see Your strength and Your glory.” Psalm 63:2 “When I tried to understand all this, it seemed hopeless until I entered God’s sanctuary.” Psalm 73:16-17a Yesterday I sat at my desk and wrote…