These are slow summer days, stretching long at the ends from first light to last. We drink them in deep swallows, savoring the absence of hurried schedules. We sleep later than normal and wear pajamas longer than we should. The hours unspool without our notice or care. It seems a luxury. I’ve not had such…
chronic pain
The Story of the Song: “Hold Me Fast” (on faith and chronic pain)
For five years, I lived with an unnamed illness that split my body wide open with pain every single night. I’d seen doctors and had multiple tests and scans but always walked away with a clean bill of health. Except that I wasn’t healthy. I’d been stooped over with debilitating back pain that never…
Still Waiting
In Lucy Maud Montgomery’s book, “Anne of Green Gables,” Anne Shirley bemoans her task of constant care for small children with the confession that “twins seem to be my lot in life.” That phrase has bubbled up to the surface of memories throughout my adult life because for me, waiting seems to be my lot…
Mere Mortals
As you are reading this post, I’m sleeping deeply under general anesthesia. For the third time in eight years, I’m having surgery in an attempt to undo the mess that my body has made in attacking itself over and over. The first time, I was twenty-seven and a new mom. Still bonding and getting to…
I am not strong: a year of writing publicly
I think I scared him. I called downstairs for a bottle of Aleve and some water. But I don’t think my husband expected to find me lying down in the hallway upstairs. I feel silly when it makes me cry. I’m a grown woman, for crying out loud. I grit my teeth with every intention…
Secure in His Love
Sometimes I want to believe lies. “Fake news” is tantalizing and volatile, emitting knee-jerk reactions from even the most diplomatic of observers. We react, we make plans, we form opinions and theories around what might be true. We hold on to those things even when the facts are shown to be false. We struggle to…
weekend links + one obscure movie reference
Fall is teasing us with an early arrival here in Missouri, and I plan to enjoy it with my family this weekend. It is an unexpected gift to stand outside in a breeze unmarred by humidity. Healthwise it has not been a stellar week for me, so I’m working a bit more to focus on…
Held in the Fire
Pain is white and blue, the hottest center of a flame. Not a gently flickering candle, but an explosion of blistering heat, a fire that blazes without burning out. It starts at the base of my spine and reaches out to my hips, radiating down my right leg with fiery tentacles that entangle themselves around…
{I’m trying to look up}
“For every look at self, take ten looks to Christ.” ~Robert Murray M’Cheyne “So I gaze on You in the sanctuary to see Your strength and Your glory.” Psalm 63:2 “When I tried to understand all this, it seemed hopeless until I entered God’s sanctuary.” Psalm 73:16-17a Yesterday I sat at my desk and wrote…
{yesterday I cried in the Walmart parking lot}
I want to think that I’m invincible. That I’m not tethered to my body that insists on attacking itself. That I have control over the inner workings of my flesh. I don’t. I’m not. I’ve had a slew of tests and imaging over the past month. I lost count at the lab after they took…