I am a chronic worrier. I worry about the past. I worry about the present. And of course, I worry about the future. Mostly, I worry about what might happen. When I was a kid, I took it upon myself to constantly remind my little sister to stay close when we were in stores or restaurants or…
God is faithful
The Story of the Song: “Hold Me Fast” (on faith and chronic pain)
For five years, I lived with an unnamed illness that split my body wide open with pain every single night. I’d seen doctors and had multiple tests and scans but always walked away with a clean bill of health. Except that I wasn’t healthy. I’d been stooped over with debilitating back pain that never…
The Goodness of God in a Closed Womb
Her words were a sledge hammer to my future. “It is unlikely that you will ever conceive.” The doctor patted me on the shoulder awkwardly. Just like that, the future I had assumed and imagined ended in an explosion of grief. Raining down on me for the next decade were shards of dreams, double-edged fissures…
Still Waiting
In Lucy Maud Montgomery’s book, “Anne of Green Gables,” Anne Shirley bemoans her task of constant care for small children with the confession that “twins seem to be my lot in life.” That phrase has bubbled up to the surface of memories throughout my adult life because for me, waiting seems to be my lot…
No Stoic Tears
It was an aneurysm that sent my strong, active grandfather to death’s door. In a matter of hours after the angry vessel in his brain burst, he died with his family around him. Minutes before he left us, I sang“It is Well” into the antiseptic hospital air, bolstering—I hoped—my grandfather’s willingness to step into real life….
Mere Mortals
As you are reading this post, I’m sleeping deeply under general anesthesia. For the third time in eight years, I’m having surgery in an attempt to undo the mess that my body has made in attacking itself over and over. The first time, I was twenty-seven and a new mom. Still bonding and getting to…
How to Thaw a Cold Heart
We call it the “February Funks” in our house. Lagging between holidays, this short month feels long and cold. Spring is tantalizingly close, but we’re constricted by the temperatures that still keep us inside. The lack of activity and sunlight, the draggy feelings that often come after major holiday seasons—these can make us feel despondent…
I am not strong: a year of writing publicly
I think I scared him. I called downstairs for a bottle of Aleve and some water. But I don’t think my husband expected to find me lying down in the hallway upstairs. I feel silly when it makes me cry. I’m a grown woman, for crying out loud. I grit my teeth with every intention…
A Woman Without a Country
I keep scrolling. News. Facebook. Twitter. I keep scrolling. Everything I read makes my stomach twist with discomfort. Hatred spewed from both “sides” of the political coin. Left? Right? Which side do I fall on? The lines have been drawn with so many overgeneralizing angles, I can’t quite find their beginnings. According to the vitriol…
Secure in His Love
Sometimes I want to believe lies. “Fake news” is tantalizing and volatile, emitting knee-jerk reactions from even the most diplomatic of observers. We react, we make plans, we form opinions and theories around what might be true. We hold on to those things even when the facts are shown to be false. We struggle to…